People pleasers are known to be empathetic and kind; they’ll do anything it takes to make someone else happy, even at their own expense.
While being kind and helpful is generally a good thing, going too far to please others can leave you feeling emotionally depleted, stressed, and anxious. It involves putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own and can lead to harmful effects of self-sacrifice and self-neglect.
People-pleasing is often associated with a personality trait known as sociotropy or feeling overly concerned with earning others’ approval as a way to maintain relationships. This behavior can often be a symptom of mental health conditions like:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Avoidant personality disorder
- Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
- Dependent personality disorder
Some signs you may be a people-pleaser include:
- Difficulty saying “no” or feeling guilty when saying “no.”
- Low self-esteem
- Always apologizing
- A desire to be liked by others
- You constantly worry about what others may think
- You neglect your own needs for others
People-pleasers tend to be empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. These positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, a need to take control, or a tendency to overachieve. And while people may describe you as a generous, caring person, when you’re a people-pleaser, all of this work to keep others happy may leave you feeling drained and stressed.
To stop being a people-pleaser, it’s important to understand what can cause this behavior to begin with; several factors that may play a role, including:
- Poor self-esteem/Insecurity: People often engage in people-pleasing behaviors because they don’t value their own desires. Due to a lack of confidence, they will go above and beyond to seek others’ approval and make them happy.
- Past experiences: Difficult or painful past traumas and memories often trigger others to engage in people-pleasing behaviors. Because of their trauma, people-pleasers often make excuses for others and try to be as agreeable as possible to avoid any potential triggers.
While people-pleasing isn’t necessarily a bad thing every once in a while, making a habit of it can leave you feeling worthless and uncared for.
To stop people-pleasing, it’s important to start small; here are some tips:
- Set and write down boundaries with yourself, friends, family, and other loved ones. This will help you focus on your own needs. Be clear and specific about how much you’re willing to take on.
- Practicing saying “no”: Try saying “no” to a text request until you can build up the courage to say it in person. And always remind yourself you shouldn’t feel guilty for saying “no.”
- Set goals and priorities: If you wake up every day with the intention of setting your personal goals and priorities, it’ll make you less likely to steer away from your own needs for others.
- Practice positive self-talk: If you begin to feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself and that your needs matter. Your goals are important, and you should never feel obligated to give time to others at your expense.
- Take time to decide: Before agreeing to any requests, stop and think. Ask yourself, “Do I have enough time to do it?” “Do I really want to do it?” “Will this get in the way of my own goals?”
You don’t need to give up being caring and generous; the key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.
Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Help when you want to. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.
